When Your Parents Split Up...Adult Children of Divorce



Posted: Monday, May 02, 2005

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When Your Parents Split Up...

Adult Children of Divorce.

I won't pretend for a minute that this is an easy subject....it's not.  It's complicated, with mixed feelings, uncertainty and a great sense of loss.  There are a lot of adults dealing with this, and have these feelings about it, but feel rather silly about it because they are a grown up and feel that they should be able to handle it better.  For example, your parents have been married for 30 years, then one leaves, perhaps you expected it, perhaps not.  The force of it hits you like a high speed train.  You ask yourself should it bother me this much, I'm an adult for cryin' out loud?  I have my own family now, so why is this throwing me off so much?

It affects your sense of gravity and throws you into a new, uncharted territory.  Your parents are going through major changes in their own lives, and one or both may be extremely vulnerable, speeding up the process of the parent child role reversal that usually happens with aging parents.  There is a little child in all of us that wants our security blanket, and doesn't get anymore simple or crucial than your mother and father, our beacons of strength.  But all of a sudden, your mother is calling you constantly asking why your father doesn't love her anymore or your father calling you daily just to have you reassure him that he is important to you, and that he is loved even if your mother can't stand speaking to him.  There remains a little part of you that longs to have their strong arms around you, hugging you, keeping you safe, and making the world make sense.  Then...it occurs to you that you have become the strong arms for them.  They may drive you nuts and sometimes show the maturity level of teenagers, but you love them no matter what, as they loved you when you made your way into the world.

I can't tell you any secrets to make the pain or uncertainties to go away, but I can offer a few helpful suggestions.  The most important thing is to just let it hurt, and don't be afraid that you are too old or too mature to care.  Also, don't run from your parents, they need you, and it will help give you a new sense of accomplishment that you can handle yourself.  And please...don't go through it alone, lean on your spouse, your siblings (they are going through it too), your friends (especially the ones who are experiencing it) and even a therapist if necessary.  As with most difficult changes in life, each one helps us learn and grow into a better person if we let it....but there is no denying that these growing pains hurt.

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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)
» left by Rose from New Zealand 6 years 157 days ago.
Thanks Sophie - there is so little information available to adult children who have parents that are divorcing and it was refreshing for me to read that what I'm experiencing is understandable!! Thanks very much!
» left by beckie
from nottingham/ united kindom 6 years 1 day ago.
thank you sophie that has really helped me and get through life with out thinking both my parents dont love me any more. Thanks again.
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